What I don’t understand

I really don’t understand why I feel like she secretly hates me.

3 days from now, it’s going to be the birthday to one of my niece. And because of the chaos that had happened to us during Father’s day, even if it’s not my fault and if we come to think of it, it’s his fault, the way that his whole family ignore us made us think, it’s our fault.

But Nate, instead of not taking sides, since he was not there, instead talk things and told our other friends about me behind my back. Even during Dad’s birthday, grateful that my friends we’re on my side. As if I am taking sides. I even notice that he ignore Hobbie when he arrived during one Sunday morning and heard him talking to Dad that why his other siblings became alienated and Hobbie was there. And he was blaming us for that?

My POV, if they can’t forgive then it’s their problem, as for Hobbie and I, we can go on and forget that all those things happened and we forgive.

When I went home, as I used to visit Dad at home since it’s my way and now he noticed I was there cos he was making business with them, he asked me why I was there and I just said, I am free. And so he knew it.

Days from now, it’s going to be my niece birthday and I feel like they don’t want me to be there. So it’s okay…It’s fine…. I will give it to them…

I will let my success speak for me… I am more determined and more focus to be successful…and that success will speak for me…

I thought

I thought I will just end up writing here

I thought I will just end up bursting into tears

But having him made me realize it wont end up her cos I have to tell my problems with.

Earlier, I can’t help but cry and suddenly all the reasons why I wanted to get out of our house came back into my wits. All the frustration because of how my mom used to say things that really hurt me when all I want to do was to make her happy. And just because of a single misunderstood thing, all of those went up in the air? Maybe of how she hates how my older brother treats her add up to the flame. And also, how I see he loves and understood our eldest brother mixes with my frustrations to see how she easily get mad with the second one. And now, I left without talking to her. I know it will all just vanish and we will be ok. Or maybe, I was reminded again how my older sister felt and that the only problem is she easily would flare up. The only problem with the second one, is he can be so blunt and would call a spade a spade. But I know he can be self sacrificing and now I am not sure if my mother appreciate that. And appreciating means to be more understanding to him… I always witness them argue but today was different because she included me in her anger that I didnt know how to control the situation. I was frustrated with hobbie because of how he cant control his drinking problem, but now I have no one to turn to, to tell all my pain. I remember brother says, he doesnt want to go thru marital problems that is why he doesnt want to get married but earlier, he said, that’s the one advantage of having a different home because I can always find refuge in the other house if the first house gave me problems. And I told him he was right. And even no matter how we fight with Hobbie, we learned to get back together and fix things up. Although the problem didn’t really go.

I Love Lucy

I Love Lucy.. I first met her as a welcoming neighbor, she talks about anything to us and invite herself into our house. We can talk and talk for hours until my Champ felt I did nothing for the day because I can’t say goodbye to Lucy cos I am afraid she’ll get offended. I love Lucy.

I Love Lucy. When she showed that she can do things better and I am not sure if it’s fine to anyone else that she would walk into your life and your family’s affair uninvited. She would extend her helping hand and do extra mile when she even forget her own family affair. I love Lucy.

I Love Lucy. When she tells my enemy my secrets and I feel like we have a personal CCTV to watch over us and report it to the other camp. Who wouldn’t love Lucy?

I Love Lucy. When one day my Champ was drunk and I know he tells everybody I LOVE YOU even to the guys… and now her kids think that my Champ got a feelings for her because she told her what my Champ has said. I love Lucy.

I Love Lucy. When she thought that guy in front of us loves her and her husband got jealous because she drunk with them, including that guy, and didn’t go home that night because they were in that guy’s house. And now they brought the problem to authorities and have her husband go cos he kept on harrassing her because of jealousy. And now she has to work hard for her family. I love Lucy.

I Love Lucy. Because that guy is now flirting with the other woman and my Champ think that Lucy might now realize that he was not flirting with her but to the other woman, instead. And now, she might regret why she let go of her husband.

And then his husband might say… The day that I left Lucy.. I cried as I said goodbye… Now I’m lost and have nobody and no one will ever replace my Lucy…on the day that I left Lucy…My Lucy ( credit to Hanson)

The Not So Perfect Life

They say that life begins at 40 and before that, I planned out everything and have already in mind what I want and how to celebrate it. But then, a lot of things happened. The COVID 19 pandemic happened and we are not able to celebrate with a large crowd. And so I thought I can celebrate it with family. While my eldest sister busy preparing for our niece’s birthday party which happened to be days before my birthday, she also asked me how am I going to celebrate it. I want people to enjoy, to see them happy and so I think a Korean theme would make them happy since my nieces and nephews are to K-thing.  But then, unfortunately, a lot of plans in my head mixed up and unfortunately, I got tummy ached and for a week I self medicate and when I got checked with the doctor, she said it got complicated because I drank too much of just about anything I could drink and then she gave me prescriptions. So I thought I would just celebrate my birthday at the weekend when everybody is there and hoping I could eat anything. And another thing that complicates things is that my eldest sister got upset with my mother and that she is hesitant to go to my mother’s house where I planned to celebrate my birthday. She didn’t attend my sister’s wedding anniversary celebration and so I can understand if she is hesitant to be there as I will just wait that time would heal things between my mom and her. And on my birthday, I get to eat out and go to mass with my Hubby. So it’s ok. And now although I already told my younger sister that I will celebrate it with them today, she, together with her family went to her in-laws family.  And that’s just ok. But deep within me, I cried as I recall my niece’s words ” when are we going to have a baby?” I told her that question is like asking someone who’s poor ” when are you going to be rich?”… Only God knows, but I understand her concern as she notices, we as a couple has been the supportive uncle and aunt for their cousins and they never got to celebrate things “for us”. It’s given that when we celebrate our niece’s and nephew’s birthday, we were there. We do things for them. Or when they have special occasions we at least are there to bring or contribute something. I am happy that I am able to give and I’m happy that if it’s for us, they never have to give because that just means we are able, even if we are not rich but because we only feed ourselves and no kids to go school or diapers to buy, but sometimes, I felt like a warrior who’s always willing to give, to support but when I needed something, I can’t spell it out and let them know that I am still a child. I still need something, and it would make me happy to know that they do something for me…  Yes, everyone wants to feel special on their special day. Although I know what my husband could do, for now, is not to buy me things to make things extra special for me, but he has been supportive of my plans.  And I thank the Lord for that. Maybe, this is where and how I could show my love without expecting something in return. And I guess that’s the best thing that God can or have given me… To be resilient at all times. I may cry deep inside but I know this is just ok. And I will be ok.

My Version of Past, Present Perfect

I want to get these off my chest that’s why I am writing this down. Honestly, this iWant original which starred Loisa Andallo, Vin Abrenica, Shaina Magdayao and Romnick Sarmienta really gets me and stayed in my head for a week now. I am not really a fan of them but I know thru the trailers ( and the title) what the story could be. It’s about that first heartbreak that Shantal ( Loisa) was carrying that affects her decision in life, her choices even her mindset. All were circling around that one person who gave her hopes, gave her inspiration yet the same person who broke her heart. She didn’t know what to do in life until her Sir Daniel ( Vin) helped her find her passion and consequently what she wants to do with life. Her Sir Daniel is the first person who acknowledged what she can do and because of that, she gained confidence in doing what she wants to do, which is to write poems and novels and somehow become a published author. To cut the story short, she confesses to him and she was rejected. Fast forward 15 years later, Shantal came into relationships with a person who looks like his Sir Daniel but was totally devastated as he reminds her not for her Sir Daniel but for her being miserable as she didn’t do what she really loves because of fear, but as a freelancer subtitling porn movies and copywriting textbooks, not enough to pay her bills. She finds no inspiration in writing and all that she can write is that open-ended pocketbook. Until she got the call from her Sir Daniel asking her to accompany her on their way to their province. Excited as she was, it didn’t happen as there was a delay in his flights. So they saw each other at the School’s Reunion. But that supposed trip with Sir Daniel made her think and rekindle her main reason to whom she is writing for and realized that she can write many other stories not only about her love to her Sir Daniel. But that night of the reunion locked the story of which she wants to believe has long been ended already. She got to talk one to one with him. She planned to tell him of what kept her inside, but then as her Sir Daniel talked about his experiences, his angst, and all his frustrations out to the world with some beers, Shantal realized that the person she made in her mind that is Sir Daniel is a totally different person. That after all those times, they have a different world, and that they are a different person. It’s hard to love a person who can’t see you ( you can’t see), but its harder to love a person you just made in your head.

I remember when my niece told me to not love a person who is just a robot. A person who doesn’t exist. I was just happy to know that I am not the only person who experiences such kind of madness. I thought I was weird for loving a person whom I only formed in my head for such a long time. That when I get to see someone like him, I remember him. Or I get to hear his voice in a song though I am not sure if it really sounds like him.  Until one day, fate made our paths meet and suddenly I realize that he is not the person I thought him to be. That I was never a part of his life and that there is no reason for me to tell him what I have been feeling after all those years because I know he wont be interested because I never was a part of his plans and his world. And yes, today I just laugh at it. And I guess there is no point of telling anyone about this experience which for me I carried and ended after 10 years.

One thing that I don’t agree with the film is that they say there is no future in freelancing. Maybe that is what most people think. But as for me who’s been in freelancing for years now, I don’t agree with it. I knew a lot of people who agree with me too.

 

 

Mandy’s Kind Of Valentines

What makes this flower so special to Mandy? Her husband Richard is not that kind of “sweet” man one can think of. He was not used in giving flowers or chocolates or even gifts on special day. Mandy do that to him, but him? It’s just something he is not used to which Mandy understand though she always told him ” I am just a girl, and not being materialistic, but receiving gifts is my love language. ” Though she knows understanding and honesty is more important than anything else. Richard told Mandy that morning and he was about to look for flower outside so he can give it to her when she woke up but she can’t find it. He didn’t go to work cos he wanted to make his wife’s valentines day extra special.

Mandy,in the meantime, just wanted to give happiness to her mom. She visited her mother bringing some simple cake she bought from the store. She told Richard that as soon as he is finished paying their bills, they will meet up in a mall and maybe eat. Mandy arrived late at their meeting place but Richard was bored and go somewhere. Mandy looked for him as she knew he would return to see if she arrived already. Then Mandy saw him carrying the plastic flower and suddenly she cried with happiness. It’s not that super beautiful flower that could cost a thousand but for her it is more than that. She have seen a person trying to fight what he used to be just to make her partner happy. While they are strolling around, the plastic flower was lost and Richard noticed when they sat in the table to eat. They traced up there paths in the hope of finding it. But then, unfortunately they have not found it. When they got home, she got a cut out a small torch flower and place it instead.

Marriage life is like that. We learn to do the things even if we are not comfortable of doing so just because it can make your partner happy. We somehow trip over and overlook the things that were important for others but what’s important is we try to look for what was lost and the best thing to do it is to do it with your partner. And lastly, even if there are things that were lost, don’t fret for it and maybe, God has plans of exchanging it to a more beautiful one. Like the plastic flower that was gone, he says its better because you can keep it forever but Mandy believes, she don’t want something that would last but isn’t true. A real flower wont last long but she can always keep it alive as she can always pick a flower from their garden to replace the withered one. Both husband and wife can always find something new to rekindle their love if they feel something is wrong.

Failure…AM I?

As they say, everything comes from your mind. If you think you are a success, so shall it be. If you think you are beautiful, so shall it be. If you think you are a failure and surround yourself with self-pity…so shall it be.

I know and that is why I surround myself to uplift my spirit with Og Mandino’s scrolls to greatness. I remember I listened to this few years ago when I felt everything I have was doomed to failure. From challenging our finances to constant arguing with our opposed beliefs with my husband. I thought to myself, this is not the kind of life I was thinking before.

Fast forward to present times and I am now seeing myself again uplifting my poor spirit through listening to these scrolls. I realized, though we maybe a survivor of financial struggles as my husband now took care of all the house expenses and my own salary are used only for my own personal expenses and projects I could think of, I found myself trying to save my soul from drowning into self pity. There will always be someone greater or lesser than you are. That’s life. It’s not fair and square. So if I keep on thinking of some other else’s failure or success and try to compare them into my own failures and success, then I am really doomed.

When the bible says, “¹⁶ Rejoice always, ¹⁷ pray continually, ¹⁸ give thanks in all circumstances;for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. ( 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18), it’s not because God says so for nothing but it’s because of God’s love for us. If we try to change our mind setting and instead of being gloomy, we rejoice for the strength God has given us through all these problems, and prayers help us to have hope for the better and have faith that it will come in His own perfect time and most especially being grateful can mean finding things around us. Things that we should be grateful about. If you are in pain, I know how hard it is to do that but with the grace of God, nothing is impossible.

Giving thanks in all circumstances like the story of a couple I read when I was a child. It was entitled “All is well that ends well”. It’s not the one which William Shakespeare have written.  I can’t recall the exact flow of the story but what remained in my thoughts is the gist of the story. It was a story of a married couple who lived a happy life. One day the man told his wife that he will go into the market to sell their horse. And so he goes, along the way he found a man with a small ass, he was offered by the ass’ owner in exchange for that horse.  He thought a small ass was not that hard to bring to the market which is by the way a couple of miles away, so he agreed. Then along the way, he found a boy with lamb. He thought a lamb can be a good meal and so he exchanged the ass with the lamb. And then along the way still, he found a woman selling apples on the market. The woman asked him if he wanted some apple. He have no money so he offered the lamb in exchange with the apple. And then he went home. His wife welcomed her husband with a hug. The man told his wife about his journey. He told her that he exchanged the horse with an ass. The woman exclaimed “that’s great! I can take care of the ass since it’s smaller than the horse so I wont be having problem in feeding it. Where’s the ass?” He said, I exchanged it with a lamb. The wife was even happier cos she can have something to cook for dinner. But then again, the man said he exchanged it with the apples. And so he showed her the apples. The woman was happy because she has been thinking to cook apple pie for her husband but then they have no apples at all. All is well that ends well.

How can still she be happy when your horse was exchanged to apples? It’s definitely not a great deal, is it? There are a lot of things around us that if we try to overthink is not really fair at all. There will always be lesser or greater than you are. But if we learn to be grateful, we can live a happy life. Hmmm…guess what I want to do? To find a picture of a bag of apples and display it at home to remind me of the story that ends well.

Birthday Blues

Most of the people I know got anxieties before their birthdays due to preparation for their big day. Just like a wedding day, they would check on the food, the venue, the invitation and the like. Or got their birthday blues when expectation vs reality does not coincide at all.

I don’t expect too much as I don’t want to let myself ruin the surprises life may gave me. Just like last two years ago. It was my birthday and me and my husband are still on our bed. My family was outside giving me a mañanita and bringing candles, bread and butter, coffee and cakes. That was the gesture I most appreciate from my family. As they woke up so early and travel miles just to do that to me. To surprise me. Last year, I already told my family that I will celebrate it with them earlier than my birthday so we cook food and celebrate it with them.

But this year, birthday blues came in so early. I know I will plan to have dinner with them and just invite them. I know I have a few dollar left but then I said that would be fine because what counts is that we shared happiness and thanksgiving together. But my finances just came tumbling down and anxiety towards my husband adds to it. I know I should not expect anything but I am not really sure what this palpitating in my heart mean. I think it is what you call stress. Why am I stressed? I know I should trust God for His surprises but what is this stress all about. Where it is coming? Where is my faith? Where does my going to church and hearing homilies go? Where does my listening to inspirational words from inspirational speakers and positive mantra go? Birthday blues….when will it end?

Hubby’s Lesson 101

I admit that I somehow very vocal when I see things are wrong in front of me. I know that it’s a good thing to stand up and correct, but I am also aware that when I do it out of hate and not out of love for others, it’s all too wrong.

My husband used to tell me how he got pissed of by a fish vendor ( lets call him brand x) which is not a homeowner of our village. Brand x asked other fish vendor how much per kilo their fish cost and then suddenly shouts out that brand x fish cost cheaper. One time, a buyer is currently buying from his suki ( favorite vendor)and then suddenly this brand x’ bangus (milkfish) cost cheaper than that fish vendor. So the buyer would think next time I will buy to brand x but then suddenly another buyer asked brand x that he would buy bangus to him. Then brand x would refuse cos he doesnt really have bangus at all.

So now, I know his dirty tricks. He went to our store and talked to our neighbor that a fish vendor wont tell him how much his fish cost and laughs at it. Out of my annoyance with him, I suddenly butt in, ” why are you asking? Are you going to buy to him?” Then he said, so that he would know and maybe will sell his stuff at the same price as his. But I know that was not the main reason. He wants to outwit the other vendors. So I say, that is being rude of you. He suddenly defended how was that rude when he was just asking. So I just tell myself, well I know you don’t know when you are rude or not.

I told my husband about this. He said why did I do that. First of all, I was not a part of the conversation and he did not ask my opinion. I was like, ok, and I realized I was being rude by butting in to conversations I was not even a part of. Secondly, I should not engage in conversations that might lead us to a fight. Or else, they would talk about us and say things against me without my knowledge. So I should have tame my tongue especially when it was burst out of my annoyance. But that was not my reaction when he said it to me. I was a bit angry with all these lectures he gave and I was like making a wall not to accept that what he says was right. It would take me an hour, I guess to accept it…that’s basically me…

My Bucket List

One way of creating a great sense of yourself is to build dreams. According to Bo Sanchez, you will reach your dreams if you can list them down and at least read them everyday and of course pray for them. You may write as many as you want. If you can be more specific, then it is much better. Do not Limit your dreams.

Just want to share with you as I try to list them down.

1. My uterus to be healed and conceive and give birth to a healthy, intelligent and beautiful baby, possibly 3 children in the future.

2. Have our house finished and have a second floor by 2017 and then have it fully paid in 2020.

3. Can sell at least 500k premiums in insurance per year.

4. My husband will have a business that wont need him to feel the scorching heat of the sun asap (like resto, meat or fish business).

5. Have my kids study in one of the best schools in the city.

6. Receive a pay check worth 10M for services rendered.

7. I can make a grand birthday getaway for my Mom spending a week in Imperial Hotel.

8. We can help our parents financially and can give monthly stipend to them.
9. We can have a family grand vacation at Panglao Beach Resort and spend at least a week there.

10. Be an effective financial consultant by helping a myriad of clients to put order in their finances.
11. Make an agency of online freelancers.

12. Be a benefactor of House of Hope.
13. Be an effective servant in the CFC community.
14. Travel Africa, Asia, Europe and the Americas

15. Have my family car not later than 2017.

16. All of my family be healthy always.
17. Write and publish a best selling book.

18. Learn to drive a car.
19. Be able to travel with the whole family around Asia thru a cruise ship.

20. Be able to help the community in Kawaking by providing them a source of livelihood

like making native decors etc to be sold in CDO or any other parts of the country.
21. Be able to provide jobs to all my friends who need sufficient income.
22. Be able to conquer my fears thru sky diving, water rafting and zipline.

23. My husband and I will witness our future children doing their stuff with flying colors.

24. Totally eliminate my fears and insecurities.
25. Have a weekly family dates or outings.

26. Have a monthly date with spouse.
27. Have a monthly date with each of my children.
28. Have a weekend getaway to DusitThaniMaldives with the whole family.

29. Be an inspiration to others.
30. Return to Boracay with family doing the kayaking, Island hopping. parasailing and other activities there.

And I declare that in Jesus name, all my dreams will come true in His Time. But at the end of the day, we should not close our mind to God’s surprises. We may not get the same dreams in the package we are expecting it to be, but what I am sure of, God’s ways are better than ours. So, let us just open our hearts and mind to His surprises.