My Bucket List

One way of creating a great sense of yourself is to build dreams. According to Bo Sanchez, you will reach your dreams if you can list them down and at least read them everyday and of course pray for them. You may write as many as you want. If you can be more specific, then it is much better. Do not Limit your dreams.

Just want to share with you as I try to list them down.

1. My uterus to be healed and conceive and give birth to a healthy, intelligent and beautiful baby, possibly 3 children in the future.

baby
2. Have our house finished and have a second floor by 2017 and then have it fully paid in 2020.house

3. Can sell at least 500k premiums in insurance per year.

insurance
4. My husband will have a business that wont need him to feel the scorching heat of the sun asap (like resto, meat or fish business).

meatshop

5. Have my kids study in one of the best schools in the city.

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6. Receive a pay check worth 10M for services rendered.

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7. I can make a grand birthday getaway for my Mom spending a week in Imperial Hotel.

imperial
8. We can help our parents financially and can give monthly stipend to them.
9. We can have a family grand vacation at Panglao Beach Resort and spend at least a week there.

panglao
10. Be an effective financial consultant by helping a myriad of clients to put order in their finances.
11. Make an agency of online freelancers.

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12. Be a benefactor of House of Hope.
13. Be an effective servant in the CFC community.
14. Travel Africa, Asia, Europe and the Americas

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15. Have my family car not later than 2017.

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16. All of my family be healthy always.
17. Write and publish a best selling book.

best
18. Learn to drive a car.
19. Be able to travel with the whole family around Asia thru a cruise ship.

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20. Be able to help the community in Kawaking by providing them a source of livelihood

pigery.PNGlike making native decors etc to be sold in CDO or any other parts of the country.
21. Be able to provide jobs to all my friends who need sufficient income.
22. Be able to conquer my fears thru sky diving, water rafting and zipline.

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23. My husband and I will witness our future children doing their stuff with flying colors.

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24. Totally eliminate my fears and insecurities.
25. Have a weekly family dates or outings.

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26. Have a monthly date with spouse.
27. Have a monthly date with each of my children.
28. Have a weekend getaway to DusitThaniMaldives with the whole family.

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29. Be an inspiration to others.
30. Return to Boracay with family doing the kayaking, Island hopping. parasailing and other activities there.

And I declare that in Jesus name, all my dreams will come true in His Time. But at the end of the day, we should not close our mind to God’s surprises. We may not get the same dreams in the package we are expecting it to be, but what I am sure of, God’s ways are better than ours. So, let us just open our hearts and mind to His surprises.

My Inner Me

I woke up in the middle of the night upon hearing myself sobbing in my dream. It was not a nightmare but it was more of I question my journey of why I am acting and feeling the feeling of insecurities deep inside me. I heard myself suddenly asking, why when in my younger age, I asked why were you feeling insecure when your classmate asked you why I am sickly, why I got a lot of scars in my arms or why I don’t have anything for snacks when my mother is a teacher. Things that they were curious when in fact it’s really none of their business. But then, they are just kids and I am kid which I cannot understand and doesn’t know how would I suppose to react. I was being bullied but they kept their distance since they were afraid of my mother.

When I am in my high school years, these are the stage when there are a lot of changes and that includes attraction and body changes. But I felt insecurities grew more. I don’t even recognize my male classmates because of my insecurities where they thought I was being snob.

During my early college years, I was feeling more confident, maybe because were being surrounded with more guys and less girls made me more confident since they treated us like princess (perks of being an Engineering Lady Student). We wear comfortable shirt and jeans and still look beautiful because we were just six ladies in our class. And studying in a state university with less socialite students made me feel I belong. But then it would vanish when I sleep in the middle of the night because all my dorm mates got disturbed with my snoring. Damn. Just imagine during your girls chitchat, they kept on repeating how terrible their night was because of you snoring. That is why I always see to it that they are all asleep before I sleep.

And even when in my adult years, I still can see more insecurities in me. Of not having a boyfriend for so long, of how they kept on pushing me to get married even if I don’t have a boyfriend. To the extent of teasing me to almost all single guy available on the planet. That made me feel so uneasy and even wishing to just burst and disappear.

I realize that it has always been this way. I have been developing such a low self esteem because of so many things that I lack which gets more of my attention more of what I have. I almost forget that I was a consistent honor student in grade school, graduated best in Math in high school and a BS Math graduate and worked in a prestigious multi national company that hired only who graduated cum laude.

Things I Did Just to Have You

This article is I guess wont be that ordinary article I already did. As this is my way of telling my future child, what I have done just to have him/her (whatever God would give us).

I made this article just to encourage me to pursue my dream of having my child, of having you and this would only stop, if God would finally give us that little bundle of joy we are all dreaming and praying for.

Prayers…Honestly, I recalled how I land my first job in a multinational company and mind you, most of the employees they hired usually have experiences from other company. But me, I was blessed because if not for the manager that I met from one of my tutorials, I wont be blessed to get hired. And it happened after I joined my the Catholic Community for Singles. And so, I just thought, if only I can invite your dad to join…and yes, he did and we got dedicated last Dec. 2015.

I went to several doctors but then money constraints hinder me to proceed. I got no PhilHealth and your dad just recently renewed his. The doctor wanted to see what made my uterus and check if this was caused by PCOS ( Polysystic Ovarian Syndrome) or something else, but we need 70,000 pesos just for the check up. I am not sure why that much.

So I tried MX3, a xanthone rich food supplement as I read somewhere in the net that a real testimony that MX3 heals her wife from cancerous thing in her ovary.

I suspect that this might be because of PCOS as signs like having high level of sugar and belly fats are evident.

I just try to control and have a less caloric diet like eating Oats instead of the usual rice. You just can’t realize how its hard for me thinking, I love to eat and seeing your dad eat make it more hard for me to resist unhealthy food.

Instead of eating the usual white bread, I changed now for the whole wheat bread or eating sweet potato instead of the usual meal I had.

Also, I tried dancing every afternoon for about 30 mins every day. I just need to alarm my phone to not miss a session.

As of now I have not seen any changes yet. But I know change wont come overnight. Just hoping for the best for the next two months =).

But then, after that long vacation and fiestas in May, I lost track of the things I should be doing. I stopped for a moment and hoping to continue. Now, with a new advice from a herbalist which is a friend of your father. He told me to drink moringa juice (locally known as malunggay) every morning before breakfast and in the evening, with an empty stomach. Aside from that, he told me to drink fresh juices of carrots and sayote for morning and afternoon snacks. They shouldn’t be mixed. These will flush out all the toxins in my uterus that hinders me to conceive. He told me that this was due to how I abuse my body in my younger years like taking a bath when I had my period. Really? I’m not sure if it has scientific basis for that since all I know old people usually warn younger women not to take a bath during periods. Oh my, I just can’t imagine how stink the smell would be. But well, for now I don’t intend to question him for this because I have this desire to get pregnant. Well, for now, we’ll never know unless we try, so I might as well give it a try.

I even tried Buah Merah ( look up it in google for its many benefits) which I drank 1 bottle a day for 5 days. Thanks for the free donation from my closest sister. But then I suddenly decided to try another doctor and said to undergo dilation and curettage to see what makes my endometrium lining thick. I just hope that this would be the answer to our prayers.

And just last Tuesday ( August 9), I undergo D&C and my doctor says she saw a mass in my uterus which she already burned with laser. That is why everytime it gets irritated, I bleed. I really hope this would end up my waiting to finally have you. She said, we will just wait for the results from the examination they are going to do with the thick linings they got from the operation. From there, they would know what treatment should I be undergoing to. But according to a friend who have undergone D&C, she immediately got pregnant months after the operation cos it cleaned her uterus that it made sperms cells easy to travel. I really hope it will happen to me, too. God willing.

My Kind of Valentines….

My husband woke up earlier than me and joked that he is going to work…and then he smiled, “oh, it’s a Sunday!”.. I am not sure if he was serious as I have known him to be joking and making sure I laughed all the time. I also know that when I cried, he cannot understand his self and don’t know how to handle situation and just walk away so as not to hear me sobbing… that’s just him…and love him for that. Days back, I know that Valentines day is the best time to celebrate love..to show love…to do extra ways of showing love than just ordinary days..It’s a celebration and acknowledgement that you are loved and you love…I was

I remember times when I was still single and celebrating SAD (Single Awareness Drive) during valentines day, I look up and can’t help but jealous of people celebrating V-day with their special someone, bringing flowers and chocolates…but now, I am everyday celebrating Valentines day with my husband..and maybe, that’s the positive side of being childless (for now) since I felt we are still in our honeymoon stage. So if you are asking me how is my V-day? My husband is not like other people who are showing love by giving flowers or chocolates..but he showed it by serving you and making you feel you are a princess ( when he is not tired..LOL..) but I’d rather prefer that way more than anything else, right?

So what can I do to make this Valentines day extra special? My husband and I agreed to make this day extra special to my family especially to my mother…By visiting them home and bring food we can share this special day. This may not be new to us but this is the best way we can think of. I know living away from them is something hard for my mother where I can’t visit her often. Going to church thereafter and maybe have our dinner at any fastfood chain I have not gone to like 7- Eleven…For now, I will forget my calorie count and enjoy food with the special people around me…that for me is the best way to celebrate Valentines…and then visit the adoration chapel and show Jesus my Love for Him. As He is the root of all these Love we are all celebrating.

I believe right now, my heart has been healthy celebrating love. But I also know, that that happiness is not complete. Aside for wooing God for Him to give us a little bundle of joy that we can celebrate love with, one sister of mine is not celebrating right now as she knows, the mistress of her husband was celebrating it with his husband instead of celebrating it with them. Every Sunday, local radio music plays old songs and jukebox. Unfortunately, jukebox songs contains messages of heartbrokenness and infidelity. I can’t help to think about my sister and to all women in the world who were betrayed by their husband or special someone. The feeling of betrayal, something which I fear and have already felt before I met my husband. Infidelity of guys is such a BIG No-No for me. A non-negotiable thing for me. Maybe, the biggest reason why I fell in love with my husband. Though he maybe a way older than me, but his experience of not so much into women but rather enjoys more being with his friends playing basketball or other guy stuff. He is not that sweet kind of person like buying flowers or chocolates because he is not used to. Mind you, people who are so sweet with their loved ones like bringing the usual guy thing to do are the ones prone to infidelity. Because these are the guys which other women fantasizes they could have especially if they are a good provider to their family. Of course, these are not the main reasons why infidel men end up having mistresses. Psychological factors like tracing up to their family background can be one of the factors. That is why to all the guys out there, think about it. Give your children a favor they would thank you for even if you are already gone. What legacy would you like to give to your children? Adultery can be solved in marriage but infidelity can forever scar the minds of your children.

Day 7 of 365-2016

I don’t know what to think and what to do. He took a day off from vending and have not gained for more than 20 days now. I know he have few money left now and what made me sad is he bet in cockfighting. I always told him to stop it as he lost a lot of money because of that. But he wont listen. And he doesn’t want me to meddle with his affairs. I have a lot of dreams and I want to invest into more businesses but I cannot trust him anymore. He have done it to me in the past where he told me that he would invest the money into something but he was actually spending it in cockfighting. We have just graduated from a renewal community and I thought things would change his mind. But unfortunately, he even told me, he saw one of the new member went there. I don’t want to nag him about it again and again because I am already tired. He never listen to me. He never will… I am not sure if he considers me as his wife.

Later in bed, we talked about it. He told me that he promised that after his parents will go home, we will start anew. He will stop from cockfighting and even will get drunk  during fiestas and Christmas or New Year only. I am not sure if it’s a bad thing to not trust him anymore. As for now, all I know is he should gain back my trust to him. I will still hold on to his promise and after his parents are back to their home, I will hold on to his promise that we will start anew.

hate in my heart

 

a love for myself from a hate in my heart
how can this possibly be
i ought to love myself by learning to build that hate
hate by showing unforgiveness and avoid despair

i detest to see you and i should learn to forget you
i should not wait to see you go
as i will go ahead of you
walking out through my door

i don’t want to give in to your selfish emotion
if you ask for my forgiveness i can forgive
but knowing in my heart that my solution
should all these things you’ve done i shouldn’t forget

you know me well and my weaknesses
you know how to get in and used up my senses
you drained me up and enjoy all my expenses
now i lost everything without my defenses

i now mark this very day
i now record all what you say
so that when the time comes you asking for a new start
i will shield myself with all these hate in my heart

A Childless Journey

Childless? After more than a year of marriage and still not blessed with a child, for any married couple, is a big frustration. I have talked to a countless couple who were childless to be somehow happy but are at least wishing to have one. To wish to experience the joy of having a kid. Regardless of who between the couple is having a problem, the burden is carried by the two. I know a lot of childless couples can relate to. The burden of shame and judgmental assumptions even from people who are complete strangers.

“As for you, be fruitful and increase in number; multiply on the earth and increase upon it.”-Genesis 9:7. When you decide to get married, one of the reasons is of course to have a baby, well at least for me, as children completes your dream of having a family. For Filipino traditions, children usually takes care of their parents when they they get old though we cannot impose that on everybody. A mother feeling that somehow after nine months, you will suddenly see your new born child cuddled gently in your arms is I guess the most rewarding feeling any woman can experience. They say, whenever they see their baby, all hardships are being paid off.

Having a child is easy since it will only take one sperm and one egg cell to make a baby. But for us, who are still childless for the moment, it’s really God’s will who can make it happen. For now, the feeling of jealousy can’t get off me. Whenever I see my fellow batchmates in Facebook or their Instagram taking pictures of them with their children, I get jealous and that I seldom check my social media accounts.

Last June, I read : Genesis 18:10-15

10 Then one of them said, “I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife will have a son.”

Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him. 11 Abraham and Sarah were already very old, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing. 12 So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, “After I am worn out and my lord is old, will I now have this pleasure?”

13 Then the Lord said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh and say, ‘Will I really have a child, now that I am old?’ 14 Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return to you at the appointed time next year, and Sarah will have a son.”

15 Sarah was afraid, so she lied and said, “I did not laugh.”

But he said, “Yes, you did laugh.”

After reading this, I, too, giggled. I just placed myself in Sarah’s place and somehow something struck me and was like, you were making fun of this message but there is nothing too hard for the Lord. It was somehow giving me hope. As I counted the months, I should be conceiving by October.
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Every month, I was checking my body if the signs of pregnancy is present but I was not disappointed if I am not yet one since I really believed October is the most awaited time. My husband and I joined a Christian seminar for the belief that God would already bless us with what we are wishing for if we will join since when I joined that community during my younger years, God did amazing miracle to my life that year.

So when October came, I felt some of the signs of pregnancy was more prominent than ever before. My breast sore and felt stingy feeling, I can feel nausea and I feel so tired always that even my husband suspect that I am pregnant. OMG, am I? I was really expecting and bought a Pregnancy Test Kit but since I believe it is still early for me to take the test, I waited until the expected date of my cycle. Even in my dreams, this thing visits my mind. I dreamt that I took the PT but I don’t know how to use it. And so after I woke up early one morning and tried to take the test. Unfortunately, I didn’t see the long awaited two line in the kit. I felt frustrated but then, I gave myself a hope since I was not yet on my 21st day since my last lovemaking with my husband. But then, after I took the bathroom this afternoon, my monthly period just started again. For women who dreamed to get pregnant, seeing this would be a great disappointment.

I went inside my room and cried. Asking why? I felt so frustrated, felt so disappointed and felt so hopeless. All the hope was gone. Is this God’s redirection for me to stop hoping for it and just accept the fact that we will be childless for life? Or is this just another test that we must take. Somehow, I get confused God’s will for my life. I really don’t know when to stop hoping or should I?