I woke up in the middle of the night upon hearing myself sobbing in my dream. It was not a nightmare but it was more of I question my journey of why I am acting and feeling the feeling of insecurities deep inside me. I heard myself suddenly asking, why when in my younger age, I asked why were you feeling insecure when your classmate asked you why I am sickly, why I got a lot of scars in my arms or why I don’t have anything for snacks when my mother is a teacher. Things that they were curious when in fact it’s really none of their business. But then, they are just kids and I am kid which I cannot understand and doesn’t know how would I suppose to react. I was being bullied but they kept their distance since they were afraid of my mother.
When I am in my high school years, these are the stage when there are a lot of changes and that includes attraction and body changes. But I felt insecurities grew more. I don’t even recognize my male classmates because of my insecurities where they thought I was being snob.
During my early college years, I was feeling more confident, maybe because were being surrounded with more guys and less girls made me more confident since they treated us like princess (perks of being an Engineering Lady Student). We wear comfortable shirt and jeans and still look beautiful because we were just six ladies in our class. And studying in a state university with less socialite students made me feel I belong. But then it would vanish when I sleep in the middle of the night because all my dorm mates got disturbed with my snoring. Damn. Just imagine during your girls chitchat, they kept on repeating how terrible their night was because of you snoring. That is why I always see to it that they are all asleep before I sleep.
And even when in my adult years, I still can see more insecurities in me. Of not having a boyfriend for so long, of how they kept on pushing me to get married even if I don’t have a boyfriend. To the extent of teasing me to almost all single guy available on the planet. That made me feel so uneasy and even wishing to just burst and disappear.
I realize that it has always been this way. I have been developing such a low self esteem because of so many things that I lack which gets more of my attention more of what I have. I almost forget that I was a consistent honor student in grade school, graduated best in Math in high school and a BS Math graduate and worked in a prestigious multi national company that hired only who graduated cum laude.