A Childless Journey

Childless? After more than a year of marriage and still not blessed with a child, for any married couple, is a big frustration. I have talked to a countless couple who were childless to be somehow happy but are at least wishing to have one. To wish to experience the joy of having a kid. Regardless of who between the couple is having a problem, the burden is carried by the two. I know a lot of childless couples can relate to. The burden of shame and judgmental assumptions even from people who are complete strangers.

“As for you, be fruitful and increase in number; multiply on the earth and increase upon it.”-Genesis 9:7. When you decide to get married, one of the reasons is of course to have a baby, well at least for me, as children completes your dream of having a family. For Filipino traditions, children usually takes care of their parents when they they get old though we cannot impose that on everybody. A mother feeling that somehow after nine months, you will suddenly see your new born child cuddled gently in your arms is I guess the most rewarding feeling any woman can experience. They say, whenever they see their baby, all hardships are being paid off.

Having a child is easy since it will only take one sperm and one egg cell to make a baby. But for us, who are still childless for the moment, it’s really God’s will who can make it happen. For now, the feeling of jealousy can’t get off me. Whenever I see my fellow batchmates in Facebook or their Instagram taking pictures of them with their children, I get jealous and that I seldom check my social media accounts.

Last June, I read : Genesis 18:10-15

10 Then one of them said, “I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife will have a son.”

Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him. 11 Abraham and Sarah were already very old, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing. 12 So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, “After I am worn out and my lord is old, will I now have this pleasure?”

13 Then the Lord said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh and say, ‘Will I really have a child, now that I am old?’ 14 Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return to you at the appointed time next year, and Sarah will have a son.”

15 Sarah was afraid, so she lied and said, “I did not laugh.”

But he said, “Yes, you did laugh.”

After reading this, I, too, giggled. I just placed myself in Sarah’s place and somehow something struck me and was like, you were making fun of this message but there is nothing too hard for the Lord. It was somehow giving me hope. As I counted the months, I should be conceiving by October.
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Every month, I was checking my body if the signs of pregnancy is present but I was not disappointed if I am not yet one since I really believed October is the most awaited time. My husband and I joined a Christian seminar for the belief that God would already bless us with what we are wishing for if we will join since when I joined that community during my younger years, God did amazing miracle to my life that year.

So when October came, I felt some of the signs of pregnancy was more prominent than ever before. My breast sore and felt stingy feeling, I can feel nausea and I feel so tired always that even my husband suspect that I am pregnant. OMG, am I? I was really expecting and bought a Pregnancy Test Kit but since I believe it is still early for me to take the test, I waited until the expected date of my cycle. Even in my dreams, this thing visits my mind. I dreamt that I took the PT but I don’t know how to use it. And so after I woke up early one morning and tried to take the test. Unfortunately, I didn’t see the long awaited two line in the kit. I felt frustrated but then, I gave myself a hope since I was not yet on my 21st day since my last lovemaking with my husband. But then, after I took the bathroom this afternoon, my monthly period just started again. For women who dreamed to get pregnant, seeing this would be a great disappointment.

I went inside my room and cried. Asking why? I felt so frustrated, felt so disappointed and felt so hopeless. All the hope was gone. Is this God’s redirection for me to stop hoping for it and just accept the fact that we will be childless for life? Or is this just another test that we must take. Somehow, I get confused God’s will for my life. I really don’t know when to stop hoping or should I?

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