A Childless Journey

Childless? After more than a year of marriage and still not blessed with a child, for any married couple, is a big frustration. I have talked to a countless couple who were childless to be somehow happy but are at least wishing to have one. To wish to experience the joy of having a kid. Regardless of who between the couple is having a problem, the burden is carried by the two. I know a lot of childless couples can relate to. The burden of shame and judgmental assumptions even from people who are complete strangers.

“As for you, be fruitful and increase in number; multiply on the earth and increase upon it.”-Genesis 9:7. When you decide to get married, one of the reasons is of course to have a baby, well at least for me, as children completes your dream of having a family. For Filipino traditions, children usually takes care of their parents when they they get old though we cannot impose that on everybody. A mother feeling that somehow after nine months, you will suddenly see your new born child cuddled gently in your arms is I guess the most rewarding feeling any woman can experience. They say, whenever they see their baby, all hardships are being paid off.

Having a child is easy since it will only take one sperm and one egg cell to make a baby. But for us, who are still childless for the moment, it’s really God’s will who can make it happen. For now, the feeling of jealousy can’t get off me. Whenever I see my fellow batchmates in Facebook or their Instagram taking pictures of them with their children, I get jealous and that I seldom check my social media accounts.

Last June, I read : Genesis 18:10-15

10 Then one of them said, “I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife will have a son.”

Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him. 11 Abraham and Sarah were already very old, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing. 12 So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, “After I am worn out and my lord is old, will I now have this pleasure?”

13 Then the Lord said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh and say, ‘Will I really have a child, now that I am old?’ 14 Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return to you at the appointed time next year, and Sarah will have a son.”

15 Sarah was afraid, so she lied and said, “I did not laugh.”

But he said, “Yes, you did laugh.”

After reading this, I, too, giggled. I just placed myself in Sarah’s place and somehow something struck me and was like, you were making fun of this message but there is nothing too hard for the Lord. It was somehow giving me hope. As I counted the months, I should be conceiving by October.
calendar
Every month, I was checking my body if the signs of pregnancy is present but I was not disappointed if I am not yet one since I really believed October is the most awaited time. My husband and I joined a Christian seminar for the belief that God would already bless us with what we are wishing for if we will join since when I joined that community during my younger years, God did amazing miracle to my life that year.

So when October came, I felt some of the signs of pregnancy was more prominent than ever before. My breast sore and felt stingy feeling, I can feel nausea and I feel so tired always that even my husband suspect that I am pregnant. OMG, am I? I was really expecting and bought a Pregnancy Test Kit but since I believe it is still early for me to take the test, I waited until the expected date of my cycle. Even in my dreams, this thing visits my mind. I dreamt that I took the PT but I don’t know how to use it. And so after I woke up early one morning and tried to take the test. Unfortunately, I didn’t see the long awaited two line in the kit. I felt frustrated but then, I gave myself a hope since I was not yet on my 21st day since my last lovemaking with my husband. But then, after I took the bathroom this afternoon, my monthly period just started again. For women who dreamed to get pregnant, seeing this would be a great disappointment.

I went inside my room and cried. Asking why? I felt so frustrated, felt so disappointed and felt so hopeless. All the hope was gone. Is this God’s redirection for me to stop hoping for it and just accept the fact that we will be childless for life? Or is this just another test that we must take. Somehow, I get confused God’s will for my life. I really don’t know when to stop hoping or should I?

Living in With Your In Laws

I know a lot of stories of some women living in with their in-laws and how this could leave some trouble to their family. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”-Ephesians 5:31. This says a lot about the reality of life. Well they remained to be just stories unless you have not a first encounter account right?

Before I got married, I tried hard to have a house of my own and so, even if my mother told me that my future husband should get one for our own, I didn’t mind it for I just felt my future husband doesn’t have any plans to do one. Accordingly, in their own tradition, the youngest son would own the ancestral house. I just thought, Oh no, that is not going to happen.

After a year of our marriage, when we got to their home to have our yearly visit to their parents, my husband suddenly bring his parents with us so that we can take care of them. Filipino customs says so rather than leaving your parents in the home of the aged. And because, I want to submit to my husband, without even prior consulting to me, I said yes. And because of I got pity also to my in-laws since both are already at their old age and is disabled and nobody can take care of them.

At first, everything was fine. But since both of them are already old and they are not used in living to a new environment, they kept on wishing to go home. She cried thinking I can’t hear them talking, crying she wanted to go home. I cant understand my husband’s sister, since it’s her first initiative to have them live with us since they lived out of the country so they cannot contact her parents in their old house since it was located in a far-flung village. And so, they can call them, I let them use my laptop and my Skype account for them to have a communication.

My mother in law obviously wanted to home, and every morning, since my husband usually leave home at 4am for work, and that is what I can hear almost every morning. She cried, sobbed and I cannot understand what to do. Since I cannot understand what to feel and to say, I was like want to tell her to tell her daughter and I guess they would understand. Then suddenly she was like pointing to her husband who wanted to go home and says that was the one who always complain and wanted to go home. I told her, I heard you ma, you cried and sobbed in front of pa and heard you saying you want to go home. And she was like mad and raised her voice and was comparing me to her other daughter in law. My point only was, why should she deny that it’s what she wants and why can’t just she tell to her daughter what she wants. I don’t get her. I was not expecting that to happen and she said she wants to go home the soonest. I told her to wait since your daughter is not a millionaire who can send money in an instant. She is just working there and would wait for her next payday. I admit, that I was a bit mad and disappointed that time when I say that when she compares me to her other daughter in law….we make up and the next day we were fine. I didn’t know she tells everything to her daughter but then only say the things that made her upset. She also tells our frequent and usual fights with my husband to them.

Sometimes, I want to give up. There came a point wherein I wanted to go home to my own family. I feel great and I somehow appreciate my own mom and my own family. Frequent fights withing couple is but a normal thing but having my husband’s family’s opinion and thoughts added injury to the wound.

It’s great that we joined a family Christian organization that for now keeps me reminded of my vow and my promise before God. For now, the temptation to give up is too near. After a year of marriage, we are not yet blessed with a kid. I don’t know if ever God would want to give us, although in my heart, I feel like God would blessed us with a baby. The temptation of separation is so near especially when there is already a gap between me and her family and her family with one of my sister ( it happened during our wedding day, but that is another story).
in law
For now, I have just witness before my eyes why did Jesus teach us to leave your parents to live with your husband (or wife for that matter) and I will be one with my husband. For now, my prayer to God is to help me and him go through this trying times in our lives and hoping to get over with it and say “there is Forever”.